The absence of love
by Shyion
Summary: Rated T for language. Hungary finds Prussia lying on the ground. With a voice barely audible, he choked. "Lizzy." She decided to nurse him back to health, but his wounds weren't healing.


_Holy shit okay I haven't written anything in YEARS and I'm p sure my writing went down the hill after taking my last ever English paper so I hope you guys will still enjoy this. Sorry if it sucks.  
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><p><em>"<em>_Remember what they said about how hate was brought about due to the absence of love?" _

Of all times, he thought of her as he laid on the wet, muddy ground, taking painful gasps of air through his mouth. His bloodied nostrils served almost no purpose. His silver hair was turned brown as the mud seeped through the thin strands of his hair. Dried up blood was caked under his cracked nails. He thought he was used to this. He has been to countless wars. But he never felt so close to dying- never before.

Gilbert giggled. Amidst the searing pain he felt from the sword in his side, he giggled as he thought of her. How she thought that hate was due to the absence of love, and, how she said she 'hated' him after she left. Did that mean she felt an absence of love for him? Or from him?

"Prussia?"

_I must be dying_. He thought. _I'm dying, and I hear her voice calling to me. I'm fucking on the brink of death, and all I hear is Elizabeth? You've gotta be fucking kidding me, God. _

And he choked out, "Lizzy."

X

It was barely morning when he awoke. Sitting up, he realized how bad the injuries were this time around as the pain hit him in places he never knew could hurt. He instinctively touched his side, only to find the sword absent, leaving behind only a dull, numb pain. He checked his body. Bandages were loosely (and badly) wrapped around him. He scanned his surroundings, and realized he was sleeping in someone's house. The sunlight entered the house through tinted windows fitted in the concrete walls.

Something beside him stirred.

Emerald eyes met his ruby ones- they blinked.

"Prussia? Are you awake?"

He realized who he was staring at. She had been sleeping by his bed, sitting on a chair that was a tiny bit too small for her.

"Lizzy?" His voice was hoarse.

"I'll get some water for you."

_"__I must have died and went to Heaven. " _Was the first thing that came to his mind. Although it didn't feel like it, with all the pain spreading through his skinny body.

"Here."

He looked up at her, holding his gaze a little too long, before taking the cup of water from her slender hands. He observed how her hair fell below her shoulders, the silky brown strands coming together nicely and framing her face so perfectly.

"So… How did you end up in that state?" She asked, playing with the rims of her shirt. It was weird to be talking to him after not talking for… awhile.

"Am I in Heaven?" He blurted out.

"Wh-what?" Elizabeth tried to contain her laughter. "Why the hell would you think that? You're in Hungary."

He felt the blood rushing to his cheeks. So he isn't in Heaven and the love of his life is here nursing his injuries. His blistered fingers fiddled with the bandages on his arm.

"I dragged you here all the way from the battlefield." She said, now twirling a bunch of her hair between her slim fingers. "You looked like you needed help. Like, like you were dying. This small house was the only place available, but it's well-stocked at least."

"I was dying." He smiled.

_I _am _dying._ He thought.

"I guess it felt great to see The Awesome Prussia lying half dead on the battlefield."

Gilbert noticed her eyes cast downward.

"Again, how did you end up in that state? You were unconscious for a few days."

Gilbert felt suffocated by the heavy atmosphere. Elizabeth was sitting right there in front of him, but it felt as if there was a transparent wall between them. He didn't know or even think that they would meet under such circumstances. There were too many things that were left unsaid when they stopped talking years ago, things that gripped both Elizabeth and Gilbert tightly by their throats.

_Prussia_? It seems the space between them was wider than he thought. He recalled the way his name formed in her mouth, calling for him in her voice that caused the blood to flow to his ears.

When she still called him by his name.

"Why would _you_ care, _Hungary_?"

The words came out too sharp. It wasn't as if he planned for them to escape his mouth, but he couldn't stop himself in time. He was frustrated.

Elizabeth flinched, though it wasn't obvious enough for Gilbert to notice.

"I saved your sorry ass you ungrateful bastard!"

She raised her voice. She was angry, and she didn't bother hiding it.

"Well now, do you want me to bow down to you for saving my sorry ass back then, _Miss Hungary_? Because I do not remember begging you to save my sorry ass."

She stood up, and the chair she was resting on fell over. The sound it made resounded through the near-empty house.

"Maybe I should have just left you to die." Her eyes narrowed, glaring at the injured man sitting in front of her.

The man she steeled herself to leave behind as she left to marry someone she didn't intend to. Her hands formed fists that trembled slightly, long nails digging so deep into her skin it hurt.

"If you hated me so much then yeah, maybe you should have."

The spiteful words left his mouth, each one of them pushing on her buttons. She couldn't say anything. Just continued staring at him as his chest raised and fell with every breath he took. Silence filled the house. Silence so loud it was deafening.

As she stared at his pale, bandaged body, she couldn't help but notice, yet again, that his wounds were not healing as quickly as they were supposed to. Blood was still seeping through the many layers of bandage she painstakingly wrapped over his injuries. Elizabeth looked away from him after awhile and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt. She hated how her anger manifested in the form of tears, of all things.

"You deserve my thanks for nursing me. But I'll be taking my leave now." He threw the blanket covering his legs to the side of the bed and stood up, barely looking at her, before putting his blood-stained clothes back on with much effort.

"I don't hate you."

It was a soft whisper and a slight tug on his sleeve as he walked towards the door. But that was enough to stop him from leaving.

"I really don't." She breathed, leaning against his back. "I wouldn't have saved you if I did, right?"

Responses flooded his mind.

_If you didn't hate me then why did you say you did back then?_

_Why did you leave me behind?_

_Why didn't you tell me anything?_

_What was I supposed to do after you left?_

But he didn't say anything. Like her, he didn't want to end things on a bad note. Not again. They weren't meant to be fighting.

He could feel the tremors from the hand holding onto his torn sleeve.

It took some time for him to construct a sentence that wouldn't sound spiteful or angry or annoyed or anything.

"Remember how you said that hate was due to the absence of love, Lizzy? Also how you said you hated me? Did you hate me because of your absence of love for me or from me?"

His voice which lost the edge it had earlier sounded gentler to her ears. This was the Gilbert who she used to spend her days with.

"I didn't hate you. I don't know why I said it but I didn't hate you." The grip she had on him tightened. "Or maybe I did. Even if I did I guess it was because of the absence of love from you."

He held her shaking hand in his rough one before turning to face her.

"Nice to know. At least now I know the reason for your feelings of hate towards me." He paused. "Thanks for saving my life." He awkwardly rubbed his chin, where he felt stubble forming. "Lizzy actually I-"

"Gilbert."

"Y-Yeah?" He replied, astonished by the sudden use of his name.

"Gilbert."

She repeated once more, his name rolling off her tongue. She thought maybe calling him Prussia would have made it easier to believe that Prussia was just Prussia to her. But she didn't know how much she had missed him until she heard him choke out her name in his husky voice as blood poured from his side.

It was when she found him half-dead on the ground that the feelings of regret flooded over her entire being. Slumping over his body, she felt the throbbing pain in her chest. Her heart beat faster as she touched his bruised, bloodied face.

"Gilbe- Prussia?" She called out.

She saw him crack a smile before her name left his chapped lips in a voice barely audible.

"Lizzy."

A wave of relief washed over her. _He isn't dead_.

He was towering in front of her now, his sweaty hand holding onto hers. They stood there in silence, Gilbert not knowing how to react.

"Gil."

Elizabeth felt his body tense the moment she spoke his name.

"Stay until your wounds get better. I'll go get more dressing."

She still didn't look him in the eye. Before she could walk away, Gilbert pulled her towards him.

Sometimes she forgot how strong he was despite his bony exterior. He was bony, but she's seen what his body was like under his clothes.

"Lizzy." He held her as she looked up at him, her eyes finally meeting his. "You know what's going on with me, don't you?"

She pushed against him, but he only pulled her closer.

"If I don't get the dressing soon, I won't be able to change your bandages, Gil."

"Elizabeth."

She avoided his eyes as she struggled against his grip.

"Elizabeth. I'm dying." He stated, matter-of-factly. "My wounds aren't healing. You know that."

She stared at him dead in the face now, her eyes wide.

Elizabeth knew. She knew, but hearing him say it aloud still shook her to her very core.

_"__I'm dying." _

Those words echoed in the chambers of her brain, getting louder each time.

_"__I'm dying."_

_"__I'm dying."_

_"__I'm dying."_

The tears she was fighting so hard to hold back threatened to escape down the curve of her flushed cheeks.

Looking at Gilbert's face now, she realized he wasn't like _them_ anymore. He wasn't like the countries. His complexion was pale, unlike how he used to be just, well, fair. His lips were cracked, and his eyes lost its shine. She frowned at the sight of his stubble.

"You need to shave." She muttered.

What she said caught him off guard and he loosened his grip. Elizabeth took the chance to hurriedly scamper across the house into another room.

"Gil, come here." She commanded.

He was still surprised by the situation. She was on the verge of crying… and now what?

"Gilbert Beilschmidt you better get your ass here before I-"

"Okokokay I'm going." He replied, shuddering at the memory of _the frying pan_.

"Okay now sit, and take off your shirt. Don't want hair getting all over it."

Elizabeth gestured towards a small chair in the room, and he obediently sat.

She walked towards him with shaving cream and shaver in hand.

It was at this moment that he felt total bliss. This was what it would have been like if he had gotten married to her. He didn't know that a silly grin crept onto his face.

"What are you thinking now?" Her brows furrowed.

"I was just thinking about how big you've gotten you-know-where." He joked.

"Wh-what the heck Gil, I-I'll kick your ass." She stuttered. "Just. Just stay still and shut up and let me shave this goddamn stubble off."

And that's what he did. Like a well-trained puppy, he just sat still and kept quiet as Elizabeth bent over him, working quietly but quickly to shave even the smallest strand of hair poking out of his chin.

"Aaaaand done." She grinned.

He felt his chin and was amazed by how cleanly she had done the job. Even he couldn't do such a good job.

"Thanks." He smirked.

It was that slanted smirk that she hadn't seen for a long, long time. And she missed it.

Gilbert couldn't help but feel sore. Not like how his body was feeling sore, but this sore was drawing at his heartstrings.

If only he had married her.

Waking up in the morning to her sleeping face, going home at night to her embrace, helping her decide what to wear out, and having her help him shave whenever he gets a new stubble.

He thought that the silly grin must have appeared on his face again, because Elizabeth's face gradually got more flushed.

"So, Ms Elizabeth, what are _you_ thinking now?"

Little did he know that she was thinking something similar to what he was thinking, about how things should have been. He didn't know how she used to notice the leftover stubble poking out from his almost clean chin when they used to laze around together. He didn't know how she developed a somewhat obsessive-compulsive behavior while helping Roderich shave because she unconsciously, or consciously, wanted to help him get it clean, while thinking of the hair left on Gilbert's chin. This was what she always wanted to do- help Gilbert shave all the sickening stubs of hair off his chin.

"Nothing in particular." She mumbled, then tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

She left the room and reentered, carrying the overturned chair.

After sitting herself opposite him, she sighed.

"Gil, I know this is long overdue but I feel like I should explain why I did what I did."

"It's alright." He pat her head. "It wouldn't change anything now, anyway."

Silence ensued.

Gilbert cleared his throat.

"I'm hungry." He stated. "Maybe you could put your frying pan to other uses, kesesese."

Elizabeth clicked her tongue despite feeling the same warmth in her chest from years ago. She stood up, walked to the kitchen, and immediately got to cooking.

As he sat on the chair basking under the rays of the sun, he wondered how much time he had left. Staring at his now blood-soaked bandages, he knew the time he had was limited. It was only now, after a long time of reckless fighting and thinking that he'd rather die than be alive, that he felt like he didn't want to die.

_Life is fucking cruel._

As the smell of Elizabeth's cooking drifted into the room and filled his previously blood-clogged nostrils, the ache in his heart started to spread. He could hear her humming from the kitchen, and that same feeling of bliss filled him. He felt the tears form but did nothing to stop them from falling down the contours of his face along his chiseled jawline and onto the floor.

He thought of how messed up it was that the only reason they managed to reconcile was because she found him lying in a pool of his own blood and brought him here to nurse him. The thought of loving a woman he could never have resurfaced in his mind. It hurt. _It hurt so fucking much_. The dull throbbing of his heart reminded him of how he used to fantasize living with Elizabeth.

It was a crushing realization how things would only be like this for now. Now and not forever.

"Food's ready!"

Her voice reached his ears, a soothing melody to his aching heart. Gilbert hurriedly wiped his face dry with the back of his hand and walked to the table where there were two plates of eggs and ham, along with a loaf of bread.

"Sorry there's not much." Elizabeth smiled sheepishly. "It was all I could find from the nearby market."

Gilbert paid no heed. First he started on the eggs, carefully eating the egg white before eating the yolk. A smile formed on Elizabeth's face as she remembered how he used to do that when they were kids. He ate the ham last, together with some bread.

"Thanks for the meal!" He grinned, with bread crumbs stuck to his face.

"You hardly changed huh?" Elizabeth said, cleaning his face with a towel.

"Yeah, I guess." He replied.

He watched as Elizabeth ate, taking small bites and chewing thoroughly before swallowing. Elizabeth felt slightly weirded out under his gaze, but at the same time she felt that things were how they were supposed to be. The way his eyes softened as he looked at her, the way his lips curled on one side more than the other, the way his fringe was swept to the side… She knew that she was in love with the man sitting with her at the table. She also knew that she was a married woman, but she couldn't stop herself from reaching across the table and placing her palm on his cold cheeks. She couldn't stop herself from leaning over.

But Gilbert pulled away.

"Lizzy." His tone firm but not angry, "Don't get caught up in the moment." He whispered.

Smiling, he held onto her tender hand.

He knew that if she had kissed him, his heart would have collapsed then and there. He wouldn't be able to hold back.

She knew that if he had let her kiss him, she wouldn't be able to contain the feelings in her racing heart.

_If only she loved me. _

Gilbert thought, trying to look away from her pink lips. He drew circles with his thumb on her hand, moving lazily round and round. He heaved a sigh.

"I'm tired." Even walking about the house and eating took such a toll on him.

Elizabeth's brows knitted. She noticed the slump of his posture and how he kept one hand on the wall while he walked towards the bedroom. She noticed the blood soaking through the poorly wrapped bandages. She noticed the grimace on his face while he breathed.

He laid on the bed, his gaze distant.

The bed shook slightly as Elizabeth got into the bed beside him. Gilbert snapped back into the moment, resisting the urge of holding her in his arms with every nerve in his body.

Then he coughed, "God you don't know what you're even doing to me, Lizzy."

She laughed, placing her hand on his chest. It comforted her to feel his heart beating. She moved closer to him, so close their bodies were touching.

Gilbert felt _horrible_ because he couldn't _do anything_, but at the same time he felt like this was a dream come true. He groaned.

"You're really enjoying teasing me aren't you?"

"You have no idea." She giggled.

"You're married…" He trailed off.

"Hey Gil." Her playful tone before was serious now. "Does it hurt?"

"Uh... yeah, a little, I guess."

"Hey Gil." Her voice was softer now. "Please stay."

"I'm not leaving anytime soon, Lizzy, what are you talking about? It's not like I can go anywhere in this state." He said, looking over at her.

He noticed the way her eyelashes shone as tears reflected light from the sun.

"Please. Please stay." She choked up. "Don't go. Don't leave."

"Sssh Lizzy." He rubbed her back, placing several kisses on her forehead, moving her fringe out the way to see her face better.

She didn't want him to die, and he didn't want to die either, but it's not like he could help it. His body wasn't regenerating like how it was supposed to anymore. He wasn't a country anymore. He couldn't help but stare at the woman lying beside him, sobbing into his chest. The sun made her glow a little, and he thought that if God had sent Angels down to earth, she was one of them. Even with her eyes puffy and red from crying, she was still the epitome of beauty in his eyes.

"Y'know, I have no idea why you hated me because of an absence of love from me." He said, hand still on her shaking back. "Because I thought that was all I ever felt for you."

She stayed quiet. She was greedy. She knew he loved her but she always wanted more. She wanted him to hold her through the night when she slept at his house. She wanted him to be more selfish and possessive. But he wasn't. All he did was love her without touching her, all he did was love her without wanting anything more. She regretted not saying anything and waited for him to do something instead. But he couldn't. She thought that if he had proposed she would have agreed in a heartbeat. She thought that if he made the first move and asked her out she would have jumped into his embrace. But he didn't.

"Man, I thought of how it would be like to be married to you and how we would have fun just lazing around and cuddling- like now- and how we'd celebrate our birthdays for each other and doing other married people things. They told me that I could love someone without hurting them and that's what I was trying to do. Love you without tainting you. I figured that even if I loved you, you didn't have to be mine." He placed another kiss on her forehead. "So I'm really grateful that you're just lying here with me right now."

He felt his eyelids growing heavier but he continued talking.

"Your bandaging skills suck but I'm sure you can improve on it. Maybe next time you bandage me up it'll be a work of art."

She felt his voice drift away bit by bit, but his heartbeat was still steady under her palm.

"Ah. I'm really tired. I think I'll catch some shut-eye."

She looked at him then, and realized he had a smile that grazed his lips, and long eyelashes that cast shadows on his face. She smiled.

"I love you too, Gil." She whispered, leaving her palm on his chest where she felt his heart beating moments before. She sobbed into his chest, which was still warm. "I love you, Gil." She repeated, hoping that he'd hear her.

But he didn't.


End file.
